For both recovering sex addicts and their partners, the relationship will change. Both people must understand that the original relationship is gone and the trust that was there will have to be rebuilt, and rebuilt differently to accommodate the new challenges. Both members of the couple must actively work to rebuild, with the addict working to earn trust by continued, rigorous honesty.
If you answer YES to any of these questions, you may want to make an appointment with your healthcare provider. They might refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist for additional help. If you have suicidal thoughts, call your healthcare provider right away or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255).
How to Have a Relationship with a Recovering Sex Addict
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To provide you with some of my background, I am a recovering sex addict. My addiction started when I was a small child and raged throughout my teenage years, and into my marriage. It started with exploration with the neighbor girls, lusting after girls walking down the street, and looking at ads in the newspaper. I was then introduced to swimsuit pictures, followed by pornographic magazine pictures. Masturbation became an important part of my life from the age of 13 on. Like any addict, I hid my addiction and withdrew into a shell of shame. I lived a double life of outward spirituality, and inward self-condemnation. My drug of choice was fantasy and the objectification of women and pornography in printed form, TV, movies and then the internet. My recovery went through phases of daily viewing and masturbation, to periodic viewing such as monthly or yearly. I tried to stop many times and went to many church leaders for help. I started attending recovery groups over 5 years ago and have been sober since. The cost of addiction for me has been high. It destroyed my ability to connect with and interact in a healthy meaningful way with others.
The two pillars of recovery in my opinion are learning to be totally honest with self and others and learning how to connect in a real way to other people and with God. As an addict I was connected with the unreal, and as a recovering addict I have the courage to live in reality. It takes a power greater than me though to get out of the addiction.
If you are serious about a relationship, ask for an inventory of all past sexual history. Do not go into details of what was seen but get specifics about the duration and intensity of the activity or acting out behaviors. Me, as an addict, wants to stay in the generalities.
Some individuals get confused about the concept of forgiving and forgetting the past, and letting others have a fresh start. I would not recommend that approach with a recovering sexual addict. If he wants to invest in a relationship with you, you need to know his baggage. Without you knowing his full past, he cannot fully give himself to you and you to him. For a recovering addict, he has begun the process of releasing the shame of the past. The idea is that his past is the key to a beautiful future with lessons learned instead of a lock that needs to be shut off and forgotten.
If the relationship is casual, I would not go into depth, but if you are considering a serious relationship, then openness is key. Do not be concerned if this is difficult for him. I feel pain and hurt at things from my past, but a recovering addict can do difficult things.
Biologically we are sexual beings. Being attracted physically and having a desire to connect through sexual intimacy is strong and beautiful. The difference between addiction and healthy sexuality lies in the weight placed on physical intimacy. Do not confuse touch with love and caring from an addict. For an addict, when it comes to sexuality, the highest goal or end goal of the relationship is sexuality. You can become the drug. You will know if this is the case by noticing the reaction if you take the drug away. Responses such as anger, fear, or betrayal will give you good information regarding where the addict currently is in their addiction. That was the painful truth for me. Please do not use sexuality as a tool to get what you want. Using sex for manipulation is not healthy for either party.
Demand to be courted. A byproduct of addiction is selfishness and hiding inwardly in shame. An addict looks for the easy fix. It takes effort to coordinate a date and plan out an event. Does he take the time to think about you and understand you? I still struggle with this one. The lack of courtship stems from my selfishness. When things get difficult it is easy to escape into the addiction. A recovering addict will do more of the pursuing, rather than being pursued in a relationship. Because my addiction stunted my social growth, I have difficulty relating in social situations. If that is the case in the relationship, let him learn to show his love by his actions.
It might feel flattering if the person you are dating only wants you, but that can be a red flag. Make sure that he has interests, friends, and life outside of you. Most addicts are love cripples and will develop an unhealthy reliance on you. That was the case with me.
If you discover that someone you are dating is going to sexual addiction recovery meetings, please leave judgement at the door. We are doing the best we can, but also do not confuse lack of judgment with acceptance of behavior. The best way to help an addict is to not accept addictive behaviors. Put your safety (Emotional, Physical, Spiritual) first.
You will not be able to do anything to fix a sexual addiction in another person. My wife could not fix my addiction. She is beautiful and wonderful, but I needed to choose recovery. It seemed cruel to my addict mind at the time, but the most effective part of my recovery was when my wife said that she would not accept the behavior anymore. She realized it was not her fault, and it was a mess that I had created and had to fix. A recovering addict will fully understand that recovery is fully his.
If you are personally struggling with a pornography and/or sex addiction, or if you have experienced partner betrayal trauma, I encourage you to seek out and ask for help from a professionally trained CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) or CPTT (Certified Partner Trauma Therapist) who will have the necessary skills to support and help you walk through your difficult journey. Know that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing on the horizon!
Sex addiction is common in the United States. By nature, it can cause harm to those with the condition and people close to them. Individuals living with sex addiction usually had a troubled childhood and now deal with intense feelings of shame, hopelessness, and isolation.
Social stigmas surrounding sex addiction can perpetuate the problem by causing those with it to avoid seeking help. The truth is, though many sex offenders have a sex addiction, not all with the condition commit crimes. Facts and statistics known today show that people with a sex addiction are quite diverse and act on their addiction in different ways. If patients with this disorder do seek help, though, they often recover successfully.
A major reason for the increased incidence of sex addiction is the rise of the internet, and therefore, cybersex. Today, anybody can access sexually graphic material with a few clicks. Sex chat rooms and dating and hookup apps like Tinder enable people to quickly and easily locate others looking for sexual encounters. This instant gratification can feed into addictive habits.
Sex and porn addiction often go hand-in-hand. Many people with sex addiction turn to porn to satisfy their desires. Many people with sex addiction say that they are dependent on porn and become distressed when they go for long periods without viewing it.
Sex addiction can cause many problems within relationships, particularly for married or long-term monogamous couples. Often, someone with sex addiction will seek multiple partners outside of their relationship. They may also frequently end up with financial problems from seeking sexual gratification, which can cause significant tension with their spouse.
Romantic partners, especially women, often suffer emotionally when they discover their partner has a sex addiction or has committed infidelity. As many as 80% develop depression, while 60% develop an eating disorder. Partners of people with sex addictions are also much more likely to contract an STI, such as HIV or HPV.
Although not all sex offenders are sex addicts, there is a strong correlation between sex addiction and sexual violence. Some studies have found that nearly one third of sexual offenders had experienced sexual trauma as a child.
People with sex addictions sometimes turn to criminal behavior to satisfy their desires. Often, the taboo nature of an act is what makes it exciting or arousing to people with sex addiction. Sometimes, the illegal act is fairly innocuous, such as hiring prostitutes. The legal consequences of consensual adult prostitution are relatively minor.
Sex addiction often co-occurs with drug and alcohol addictions. If you or somebody you love is living with sex and substance addiction, help is available. Call The Recovery Village today to learn about resources and discuss possible treatment plans.
If you or someone you love is struggling with sex, porn, or paired substance/sex addiction, we offer both inpatient treatment and low-cost online workgroups. For extensive free information, including webinars, podcasts, blogs, resources, and daily inspiration for healing, we urge you to explore our sister website, SexandRelationshipHealing.com.
A healthy sexual relationship is one that supports overall health and wellbeing. We all need to put effort into developing a healthy sexual relationship with those we are intimate with to fulfill ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically.
These keys can help you develop a healthy sexual relationship with your significant other or simply an intimate partner. In either regard, remember that consent, safety, satisfaction, communication, respect, and compromise matter. 2ff7e9595c
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